Mazal tov to Yoni and his fiance on their recent engagement.  Due to Yoni’s intent desire to surprise his girlfriend with a ‘somwhat unique’ proposal, he did the following:  He created a secret compartment in his girlfriend’s copy of, “I Only Want to Get Married Once” and hid the engagement ring inside.  (His girlfriend lent her copy of the book to Yoni, making him commit to reading it.)  Upon finishing the book, Yoni creatively paint brushed the sides of the book with glue and afterwards, cut a square into the book pages.

Yoni then placed the ring inside and covered it with transparent tape.  He did succeed in surprising his girlfriend, who almost dropped the book when she opened it and saw the beautiful engagement ring, sparklingly declaring Yoni’s love and commitment to a wonderful life together (and to only getting married once!).

Here’s thanking them for sharing their inspiring story (and pictures) and wishing them a beautiful, profound and loving marriage.

I was touched by the loving smiles they continually exchanged throughout the lecture.  I was moved by the way they kept looking out for one another, each making sure the other was OK.  After about an hour and a half of being in their presence, the lecturer announced a ten minute break.

Being the ‘not-so shy’ person that I am, I introduced myself and told them what a cute couple they are.  They appreciated the compliment and I explained that I lecture and write about dating/marriage and that I often interview couples.  This statement led into my question, “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”  They were game, so I asked, “How long have you been married”?  The husband said, “Not long enough!”  Then he told me to guess. I said, “Approximately fifty years.”  He said, “Close!  We are married 56 years!”

Now, I know that every successful couple has their ‘secret’ to their success.  So my next question was, “What is your secret to success?”  They replied, “You’ll never believe us!”  I said, “Try me!”  They replied, “Humor…we laugh our way through life.  When we’re dealing with annoying bureaucratic errands and everyone around us is complaining, we’re cracking up.  We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at our marriage.  Since we argue a lot, we end up laughing at our marriage quite a bit.”

What a beautiful message and important insight into the power of humor.  Let’s take a look at what this couple is teaching us:

*”We laugh our way through annoying bureaucratic errands”:

Humor has the power to alleviate some of our pain and frustration, so that we can deal with life.  As Frank Howard Clark said, “I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.”

*”We laugh at ourselves”:

Humor can help us step out of the moment, so that we can get a broader perspective.  And although we need to take ourselves seriously, when we take ourselves too seriously…we lose our focus and effectiveness.  Oscar Wilde once stated, “It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.”  I would add, ‘too seriously’.  Since we’re on a role with quotes, I’ll throw in another, “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is (Francis Bacon).”

*”We laugh at our marriage”:

When this couple shared their secret of humor with me, they were also sharing their discovery of the fact, that although we’re all imperfect and although every marriage is imperfect, humor helps us to look beyond these imperfections so that we can lovingly accept ourselves…and our spouse. In turn, humor allows us to experience the joy and/or wisdom hidden in every situation, relationship…and within ourselves.  I’ll end with one final quote which I feel sums this up.  “Love is an attachment to another self. Humor is a form of self-detachment-a way of looking at one’s existence, one’s misfortune, or one’s discomfort.  If you really love, if you really know how to laugh, the result is the same: you forget yourself.” (anonymous)

Richard’s words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I immediately asked myself, “What have I done to help disabled people to get married?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  I’m just as guilty as everyone else he was referring to.  My response to Richard came from a deep place in my heart, “Richard, I’m going to help you get married.”  He of course was overjoyed to hear this but quite doubtful that I would actually keep in touch with him.  To be perfectly honest, I had no idea how I would help, I just knew that I needed to jump in and try.  Well, jump in I did and boy was I in for a surprise.  The first thing that happened was that Richard began to educate me about disabled people, both in his actions and with his beautifully expressive words.  Richard explained, “People say, ‘I don’t want to marry someone with a disability, my life will be so hard’.  But a disabled person appreciates everything a great deal more, specifically because nothing comes easy.  To be happily married, you have to approach things with perspective.  The marriages that last are those that have perspective.  Think about it this way, if you haven’t had challenges, adversity and struggles, when you get married and obstacles arise, it’s tough and sometimes people want to run.  But for disabled people, because nothing comes easy, they’re more resilient.  And it’s this resilience that is their secret.  So, being married to a disabled person will not make your life worse, but better.”

Richard continued, “Because I’m blind and I have to work hard to get married, I will also work very hard in my marriage.  Generally speaking, people who have worked so hard to get married and appreciate it would never betray their spouse.”  Indeed, many studies show that whether a disabled person is married to another disabled person or an able bodied person, as long as the disability pre-existed the marriage, their divorce rate is extremely low.

One of my obvious questions to Richard was, “Richard, you have so much going for you, your intelligence, your athletic build, your family who have been rallying for you, your outgoing personality.  Not all disabled people have your assets.  Perhaps your happiness is the exception, rather than the rule?”

I’ll never forget Richard’s response.  He said, “I work with disabled people all the time.  That’s what I do.  I’m a lawyer who represents disabled people.  From my experience, disabled people are the happiest, because they have a sense of perspective.  I would even say that sometimes, the more severe the handicap, the happier the person.  Because they have this perspective, it takes them a lot more to get upset.”

Richard continued, “Another reason people with disabilities are happier is because they have a huge sense of purpose and purpose generates passion.  People with passion are more fulfilled and able to connect with others and with their Creator.  Why would my Creator make someone have to work so hard?  Everything I do takes so much more work and effort for me.  But I know that this is part of my purpose and this is exciting.  Getting through law school was one of the most unbelievable challenges, I had to internalize and memorize everything.  But I prayed to God everyday that if he helped me to pass the bar exam, I would dedicate my entire life to making a better world for disabled people.”

Richard Bernstein is an activist in the truest sense of the word.  He is out there, actively making the world a better place for disabled people.  His enthusiasm is infectious and I am proud to say that I’ve been infected.  Richard and I are putting this article out there, with the hope that this wonderful infection will spread and that many people will change they way they think about people with disabilities and their marriageability.

We need to open our hearts and our minds.  If we are to be honest with ourselves, perhaps we can admit that we all have disabilities… however some people’s disabilities are just more obvious than others.  Regarding Richard meeting the right one, we’re working on it big time…we’ll keep you posted!

Well, we’ve come a long way since then, but it seems, too long of a way. Although divorce is sometimes the only valid solution to a horrific marriage, what has happened over the past 60 years is that people have become ‘divorce happy’. This includes many therapists who readily proscribe divorce to an individual or a couple who are in a challenging marriage. As one of Doherty’s colleagues said, “The good marriage, the good divorce, it matters not.”

Doherty admits that when he started his career as a therapist, he too was a ‘liberation fighter’ to free people from the shackles of family structures. However, data such as the Australian and New Jersey studies, with their findings that “over 40% of divorced people regretted their divorce and thought it was preventable”, changed his perspective. Doherty says, ‘Most of us are now free to walk away from our marital commitments, more easily than any other contract in our lives. We can always get a divorce…but now we face the prospect of losing our ability to sustain any commitment at all. We have cut through our marital chains but ended up with Velcro. Easy to pull apart but not strong enough to hold us together under pressure”.

What a brilliant analogy…Velcro! In the age of ‘Velcro relationships’, commitment escapes us, as a young woman once remarked to me, “Until recently, I equated commitment with weakness.” Truth said, commitment is the ultimate expression of inner strength…the exact opposite of weakness. It takes strength to accept a person with their faults and love them in spite of their shortcomings. It takes strength to let our walls down, open our heart to another person and be known. If there is one thing that my 24 years of educating and counseling have taught me, it is the following: Ultimately, what every man and every woman yearn for, whether they’re aware of it or not, is emotional intimacy. But emotional intimacy is only truly accessed when there is commitment. I have seen so many couples courageously face the challenges in their marriage and emerge with a beautiful and profound relationship. Therefore it breaks my heart to see so many others give up on marriage, before they even start…I am dedicated to doing what I can to reverse this downward spiral.

The time has come to embrace our inner strength, to re-commit to commitment and to internalize the fact that a happy marriage is within our reach. So it’s out with Velcro…and in with the super-glue of a conscious, and emotionally intimate commitment.

Someone complained about the noise and when the police arrived, they got the surprise of their lives. Aware that the angry bear was still hungry, they decided to play it safe. They tied a rope to the door handle so that they could open it from very far away. (It is important to note that a bear’s sense of smell is 2100 times more sensitive than that of a human and seven times stronger than that of a bloodhound.)

When I read about this story, as I chuckled, a thought occurred to me. This story is a fantastic analogy. For what? I’ve seen so many people approach marriage like this bear. They’re initially lured in by a ‘sandwich’, something that appeals to their senses, rather than their common sense. Once the door shuts, (the marriage is consummated), they feel trapped and in turn freak out….you can use your imagination from here. (At least the police aren’t called in each time). I am not advocating one to ignore their five senses and choose their marriage partner solely with their head. There must be a balance. But we have to admit that not only bears are prone to making unwise choices based only their five senses.

Marriage is not a trap, it is the most profound relationship a man and woman can build. When we use our common-sense, we open the door to marriage in a conscious way and gently close it behind us. By closing the door, we experience that special privacy and commitment of marriage which affords new levels of emotional intimacy and personal growth. So let’s learn from the bear, rather than being lured in by a ‘sandwich’, let’s make a conscious, healthy decision when choosing Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Two years passed since their break-up. She was happily traveling down a path of deep self discovery and spiritual awareness. He was still happy in his routine…breakfast, work, TV, checkbook etc. And then…the magical moment…they bumped into each other (almost literally) and he said, “Great to see you, I’m still in love with you”. Since she was feeling a bit lonely at the time, it felt good to hear those words, so she thought, “Well, I guess I’m still in love with him as well”. They spent many hours talking that day…and the next day…and the day after that. When she contacted me, she was very confused. Upon hearing the fact that they had spent so much time talking, my first question was, “Wow, he must have embarked on a spiritual path or something like that, in order for you to spend that much time talking.” She answered me, “Uhh, actually, no, we didn’t speak about spirituality or meaning.” Now I was confused and said, “But you recently told me that your spiritual awareness and goals are the most important things in your life, strange that it never came up.” She clarified by stating, “He didn’t want to talk about spirituality…he said, let’s not talk about something that divides us.” She admitted feeling very frustrated and unexpressed during their interaction, yet it felt good to see that he was still in love with her. My response was, “If spirituality is the most important part of your life and you can’t even talk about it with him, he’s not relating to the most important part of you. If so, who exactly is he in love with?” She said, “You’re right. He’s in love with who he wants me to be.”

Infatuation is a tricky thing. Here are two intelligent people who know that they don’t have a future, due to their values clash. That’s why they broke up in the first place. Yes, they have chemistry, but chemistry diminishes with time, especially when there’s a values clash. As I clarify in my book, studies show that infatuation can last up to about three years, and then dwindles. At this point, values take center stage. That’s what happened two years earlier in this couple’s relationship, and that’s why they split up. Now, two years later, in order to enjoy each other’s ‘chemistry’, they have to shut down certain essential parts of themselves. They can’t allow themselves to be ‘known’, for that would threaten the chemistry. One of the most important components of love is ‘being known and knowing the other person’. That’s how we know whether there is real love potential in a relationship: our deepest values and beliefs are expressed and appreciated and for the most part, shared.

Back to our story. When this young woman thought about the question, ‘Who is he in love with’, it shook her into reality. She realized that the best thing for both of them would be to face the reality of their clashing values/goals. It was difficult for her to phone him and confront the issue, and it was difficult for her to give up that ‘good feeling’ of ‘having someone be in love with her”. But at the end of the day, the feelings were false and misleading. When she was brave enough to let go of that ‘false love’, she realized that accompanying that false ‘good feeling’ was an insecurity, a frustration and a loss of her true self. When she let go of that false love, she gained herself back. And in the end, her ex-boyfriend thanked her for saving both of them from another round of a confusing and unfulfilling relationship.

Dating can be a very complex and confusing experience. It is so easy to be fooled…and to fool ourselves. I cannot overemphasize how important it is to clarify your values, to live by them and to ‘date by them’! I think that we just coined a new phrase but I mean it: ‘date by your values’! They will not limit you; on the contrary, they will be the guiding lights to illuminate your way through the confusion inherent in the dating process.

I came across an article written in the magazine Connections, January 2006, entitled, “Third Times the Charm”.  It is adapted from the book, “Why I’m Still Married” by novelist Julia Alvarez.  The article reads as follows, “I didn’t seem to have a problem getting married.  Staying married was my problem.  Happily ever after was a phrase that eluded me.  By age 30, I had been married and divorced twice…After the second divorce, I decided enough!  I’d never marry again unless I was really sure.”  But the secret to Julia’s success the third time was less about choosing the right person and more about being ready to work on her marriage.  She writes, “What I’ve discovered from staying married this last time around is lot like what I’ve learned from writing novels.  You have to work at it page by page, day by day.  And if you stay with your story and characters, if you give your passion and talent and faith to the writing, and if after the bad days you still come back to the writing, well, you’re going to end up not just writing a novel but learning and growing by doing it.  So with marriage.”

Unfortunately Julia had to go through two failed marriages in order to learn this truth.  Yes, a happy marriage does take work, but as Julia so eloquently explains, it is not a dreary, heavy work but a creative, wonderful, sometimes difficult but self evolving type of work.  Anyone who has succeeded in the work of marriage knows that it is the most profound ‘work’ a human being can know.  The trick is to go into one’s first (or next) marriage with this awareness.  If you choose wisely (that’s what my book is all about) and apply the above wisdom, you will succeed in building a beautiful, profound marriage.  This is the message I transmitted to my daughter as she chose her future spouse and it is the message I sincerely pass on to you as well.

1. That’s so true, we really do want to get it right the first time. But we’ve lost trust in our ability to do so.
2. Great title, but it’s too late for me, I’m already divorced.

 First of all, it’s never too late to get it right, because one divorce is not two…and two is not three. A judge, who is a neighbor of mine, just told me about a couple who are divorcing for the fourth time, from each other! click here to read more..

But even for them it’s not too late…to prevent a fifth divorce! Regarding the first response listed above, we ultimately have to believe in our ability to get it right. But we first have to educate ourselves in order to succeed (which is why I wrote my book!).When I entitled my book, ‘I Only Want to Get Married Once”, I didn’t realize that the title would be the source of so much important introspection. Almost all fifteen of my radio interviews during the third week in February started with the interviewer saying a variation on the following theme: “I only want to get married once…yes, isn’t that what we all want in our heart of hearts. We seem to have forgotten that message.”

One of the radio interviewers who interviewed me opened the conversation up in an original way. He said, “I really like your book title; it is a very important message. But it’s too late for me – I’m already divorced. My parents had a great marriage and I naively thought that when I got married, mine would be just as successful. But it was a disaster. So where did I go wrong?” Well, we were live on the air and I didn’t exactly feel that it was appropriate to ask him about the nitty gritty details of his failed marriage. Instead, I answered him as follows: I explained: “We live in an infatuation culture. We think that just because we have a great connection with someone, that connection is real and will last. We think that just because this person blows us away today, he or she will continue to blow us away for the rest of our lives. But the connection needs to be based on something real. Besides this, our parents and grandparents expected to work on a relationship…today, we just expect a relationship to happen.” I then added, “In addition to all of this, we are so much more complex these days and need that much more guidance. It is towards this need that I wrote my book.” I sincerely hope that my book is helpful in reinstating people’s ability to trust themselves in the dating process. The importance for mentoring throughout the dating process cannot be overemphasized. Especially since we are trying to get it right the first time (or next time, for those already divorced).
Here wishing you continued clarity and success in all that you are doing.
Your feedback is always welcome